Sometimes I just think and ask myself why this has to happen to me. Sure people will say things happen for a reason, tell me the reason then. Call me emotional but I think I have every fucking right to be. Why does this burden fall onto me? Why why why?? Why me?
Is it not enough that I will be the one going to support my family later. Thats a big responsibility. I also have this thing inside me that is dying if I'm not careful enough. Add to that, I have a skin problem called eczema. Sure the last one not so big as the previous 2 but it's taking its toll on me, mentally. I guess I'm stressed out. Maybe thats why I'm so lazy to work on my holidays cause I'm sure as hell gonna be busy once it's over. Guess I can say that I dont really have much time left eh.
All I want to do is enjoy myself. Enjoy the little things. It's really eating me inside out. I hate this. I don't want any part of it. It was just thrown at me and expect me to handle it well. The burden grew and grew. I'm not getting better any time soon. People with relationship problems think the world ends when their relationship does. I'd exchange my burdens with that any time, pal. Cause then, I can find another person but with a damage kidney, not so much. It also means I dont have to depend on medication to live, to carry on my pathetic life. You know how that feels? To depend on medication just so you can extend your miserable life. Add more burden to your family to pay for the medicine when you don't know how long it'll last?
Oh it doesn't just end there. Oh no. The medicine, those tiny harmless looking tablets has side effects too. Just look
prednisolone up. The tiniest but taste the most bitter has BAAADDD side effects. It made me fatter than I already am. Squishing whatever little self-confidence I have left with it. It just keeps getting better and better doesn't it. I can't be bothered to look up the other side effects for the other 6 or 7 medicines I have to take. It just might be overkill for me. I know it make me physically weak cause 5 mins into football and my knee ligament tore, wonderful, another long-term crap I have to deal with. Now I can't play the only sport I ever have interest to play. But do people understand? Would they take the time to learn? No.
I just want to get through this. I am starting to lose hope and faith. Few years back when I was first hospitalised, I thought I can recover, now, I somehow don't think so. I would be lucky to cross 27 years as one doctor told me, if this kidney continue going down, I can live only until that much. Great. For now, I am holding on to what little faith and hope I have left and just wish I can muster enough strength to pull this through.
First post of 2010. Such a delightful and encouraging post from yours truly.
